Nosferatu Point Zero...

I take that back. I can't discount everything I've ever said! That's the epitome of neglecting to stay true to myself! It's like this;

I need to build my dream bike.

When it's done everything is going to be all better!

Edit: That makes no sense ^^...and I quit this blog and continue with "Laterna Magicka"

I Found a Typo

I'm referring to the entirety of Fractal-Filled Nirvanha. Everything except the title. I still think it sounds cool. but still... I got it from mishearing In Flames' Worlds Within the Margin. (lyrics)

I identify with In Flames in that I, too, like to ramble on about whatever's on my mind sub-coherently -definitely not coherent but maybe something parallel to it.

It was all a mistake to trash my identity like I have done so many times. But it was a typo; clearly I meant something far more wholesome.



-Me when I'm not myself

Nosferatu Nightmare-Key

(This is me btw...)

Fake and Flagrant

I've been realizing what a fake I am. I'm too afraid to live my own life and be real to anything at all. This drivel I've been wading through is not the original intention. I lost sight of it the moment I set out. Despite -or maybe because of- my quest to pursue something productive I've devolved into the mediocre heap of meretricious and shallow wannabe-dom that is me.

There. That's as real as I can get and even that has like three thesaurus references and almost zero explanation of what I'm actually supposed to be going on about.



...ehhh...

So-called Nightmare Key.

I don't know what I am.

I am described by these words

Wha'ever that means.

The things that I let slip

"I'm not into labels"

I let that slip the other night. What does that even mean? Really?

Did I mean I don't believe in labels? They exist, there's nothing not to believe about their existence. I don't believe their relevance/validity/verity? Maybe. Let's dive deeper. (Yeah, like I'm going to succeed at getting "deep")

*poops out a generally typical, and rather boring blog entry about concepts and viewpoints of labels*

Mainly I guess it's just that I don't know what I am.

So-called Terrors

I'm emo.

7*5*3*2*2=?

If I was the government I would make a law so that marijuana would be temporarily legal for one year. And then at the end of that year revert all laws and enforcement to the way they are now.

That would clear everything up. One side would have a solid year's worth of hard evidence and the other would be forced to shut up. If the world was indeed a better place during that year, like those who support NORML claim, then the legalization would be fully implemented.

Nobody loses.

Social Terrors

I'm caught in your gravity well.

The same story a thousand times

The broken heart, the pain, the turning inward, the confusion, the distrust.

Then the day comes when it seems like there might be a chance to feel alive again. So you take it, and it works... for a while. But, soon enough, the process starts all over again...

The broken heart, the pain, the turning inward, the confusion, the distrust.

If it wasn't for love there would be a lot less pain.

...What a poisoned way to think.

Shaken up to get my head straight

It's good to get derailed from crappy everyday life. It helps to look at things from a different perspective. I like don't have anything deep to add... I just need to remember to keep my chin up, there's beauty and color in this world, but you'll only see it if you're looking up!

Blood Haunting

Gggghhhhh... I feel like crap. Sorry to always be complaining about stuff but... yeah. I'm not supposed to be this way. I'm supposed to have friends. I'm supposed to not have a readerless blog. I'm supposed to do things in life that please those I love.

Infinite Enthalpy of Malevolence

Pure, pent rage to the core feeds the beast within.
Roaring havoc echoes off ghastly graveland plinths
If there is one single speck of light in this world
I ask only that my soul may shed its skin
and escape being consumed by the hatred,
by betrayal, by the bitter sting of being alone.
The absence of love is desolation and hate.
Hate holds forbidden power and destruction
I've never felt the kind of misery I feel right now.
No matter how hard I clutch it keeps spilling out.
My eyes are red, my heart's mere wreckage
desperate for something to bring me out of this

---

It's not really like that, though. I'm so confused as to why I write this sort of drivel-poop. I really don't feel that way, in a sincere and heart-felt way. I mean sure, I have my moments, we all do. It's like I'm conflicted. I want to be happy, easy going, and nonchalant. But somewhere along the way something broke, and now almost every day my world is torn apart. I just don't get it! I know I'm not the king! I get that! What gives?

Splish Splash

I drink a lot of water. I keep downing the stuff like there's no tomorrow. I try to wash away the dirt inside, but water will not erode at the banks of evil.

I need a large cup of ice-cold Jesusade.

Sometimes I wish figurative and literal worlds could be mashed together... Or the spiritual was as tangible as the physical.

I Gon't dive a gamn

Usually when I start writing I just try to make it better than the last one. So I usually look back at my last thing I wrote. Then I'm like, "oh, this will be easy" and write another lugubrious blog entry.

Now I'm gonna talk about love. Or things you want but cannot have. My eyes were pried open for a fleeting moment, and a splinter of light invaded my dark mind. It illuminated a thing I've been coming to for a long time; My blatant self-centered view of relationship. It's just awful, truly sickening, a dastardly perversion of what should be vibrantly beautiful. What I need to do is give love.... give love another chance. And not waste it on a 'last ditch effort' sort of situation, but to love everyone I possibly can, in every way I can think of, regardless of what I can get out of it!

I don't understand the world

Why do some people have to be fat-asses, huh? What is their motivation in sculpting their bodies into amorphous health-wrecks, convex entities of cellulitis inflicted flesh?!?!
I just don't get it. Getting fat takes a long time, specific habits, a blatant disregard for what is happening...

It makes me sick! I am revolted by those who invade my ocular senses with their beastly anomalous perversions of the human form.

There. I said it.

And this is what's more... This is why it is so bothersome to me: I generally like people. I'm even attracted to many of them for many reasons. Usually those reasons pertain to the personality of the person... and if the person that I admire has let themselves devolve into a fat nightmare.... I lose respect for them, and I feel that they aren't getting the most out of life, and I worry about their health/physical well-being, and I (quite selfishly) can't enjoy them to the fullest because they look super ugly.

That said, there are slight exceptions. Like if you're old and you get a slight beer belly, I'm cool with that, as long as it's not overblown. (as long as you don't have to waddle just to be able to walk XD )

It also comes down to whether a person is approaching or receding from the fulfillment of their potential. If one is willing to totally waste the earthly body given them, then will it be different given a heavenly body?

Simply Dumb

If you're still reading this blog then you've probably acquired a taste for my minimalistic, not-thought-out-at-all blurbs about whatever silly thing pops into my head.

If you're new to the blog, then Welcome! and I hope you'll enjoy my stupendous intellect and other thingamabobs that I offer as a first-class blogger.

(Ok, maybe eighth or ninth-class...)

look at that! A Nigma!

look at that enigma.

Words that are approximately legible

I tried. Really I did. It was dumb so forget it. Be literate. If nothing else, I've got that going for me.... probably.

The end of an era may be near to me. I don't know if it will move forward from this point, or go backwards. It looks like it might just go backwards. As if that were still possible. Why is it that empires end right at their height? Infinite volume control. No bridge can span forever.

What's the point of having so many letters?

In my next two entries I will switch out all the:

B's for P's
D's for G's
Hard C's for K's and soft C's for S's
Z's for S's
X's for KS's
J's for G's
French words for non-French words.
O's for ER's
V's for F's

It will pe harg ter ungerstang. Herpefully nert ter pag. Serme letters are gust gump ang gern't geserfe ter eksist. This is my eksperiment in language. Hafe fun?

Waiting for things...

Waiting for something you want... is a complex process.

It gets harder towards the end. The anticipation has built; the end is near... time slows. The last few days are the longest of the whole wait.

It is unbearable.

OMG I'm pregnant

I just found out like 2 seconds ago that I'm pregnant! I didn't even know I was a girl.

Gazing at the Galaxies

...

Let my soul rest in a state of relative peace. \\\

Reaching Toward a Mirror

I love my wild posts like the last one. They are lulzy to look back at. Who am I writing to? My intended audience is me, and that explains my style. If I wanted to read some sane, boring person's blog I'd check my subscriptions. But I don't know of any crazy weirdos like me. How would I find their blog? It's not like you can search blogs by favorite color. Blapink. That's mine.

...That's why I have to blog. To read them. It's like talking to myself, which is only crazy if you do it where people can hear.

And that's why I'm doing this in front of the entire internet.

I'm just crazy like that!

Defy your fate and don't accept the consequence!

If I'm going to dish it out I better be able to take it in return. And I can, so to all who internet stalk me, I say this! "Pahaha! I can take it. Hoo yeah!"

And as for fate. Fate has been eating at me for so long, and now I'm just P.O.'d and I intend to fight back. I've got to find a way to trick fate and hand it over to the grave.

Consequences schmoncequences. Don't except them. Heck, don't even think about them. How can you except what you aren't even thinking about? Passivity. And that's something I don't buy.

This is irrelevant to anything you think you know about me.

I'll steal your face too, if you're not careful!

It's definitely blog time. Right now.

So, I've... I've been writing a story. Well, writing and drawing. More drawing, but some writing. Both the writing of it and the drawing are really crappy, but they kind of support each other, so I hope in a way they stand together approaching worthy of being read, and appreciated... by somebody. or by everybody, I don't care.

The thing is, I reached a point in the story where I had to draw faces. And I stole the pics of my facebook friends. I just laid the page against my computer screen and traced it. Like, they're obviously copies of the pictures. I'm pretty darn sure that if those two people see my story they will recognize their picture.

...I invent new ways to be awkward because for someone like me, there just aren't enough already in existence. heh. yeep.

Sorry MM and EB. I just, really like your faces... I hope I can still be your facebook stalker *cough* I mean friend.

Nah, I'm kidding, if this freaks you out, please don't take it that seriously, I just needed something to go by, because I'm not that good at drawing and I have to have something to guide me, and your faces fit the part. (I sure as hell couldn't use my ugly mug.) I hope you understand....

...I hope they understand.

I'm not going anywhere

I am bored. What should I do?
This punishment is so undue.
I wish there were someone like you.
That I could talk and ramble on to.

This thought is Monopolizing.

Once a week I wonder wryly
As I do, I chuckle dryly
what is it that's so enticing?
Drawing in and mesmerizing
Dreams with neon colorizing
Burning sky of sun arising
Letting blaze the new horizon
only half as magnetizing
Super Star amphetamizing
Addiction from imperkisizing
Pistolero analyzing
Three-oh-three omnicronizing

---

I have that thing on my mind, it seems...

Lufituaeb Eb

I want to see the parts where the world is broken and collapsing. Maybe I could fix them... or, I dunno, maybe they would swallow me up.

Odd, though, one can hardly find a pocket of anything true; pure.

It's all crumbling, reducing the the basest particles; entropy's end.

Maybe the question "What are you still doing here?" is far deeper than I thought. Next time I will respond "What amI doing here on this earth? I would love to find out. But I can't do it alone."

Going alone should be less scary. heh.

Blog title

Blog words.

It feels like this

When I think about my heart... this is as close as I can create to the image I see in my head.

Dear life, I hate you

..... I'm never going to be loved like I once was... I know it's perfectly hopeless... absolutely bleak.... A washed-up loser like me will never get another chance with a girl like the one I knew before. They don't even exist anymore, and anyway I've become an unlovable cretin... This life just sucks! Whoever said it was better to have loved and lost than to love at all was a lying bastard!

I've got to stop... but I'm addicted

It's this blog. Even though it's dumb and I hardly take it seriously, I find myself getting soooo bored and coming here to write down whatever happens to hit my mind. And I don't write it on facebook for fear of getting a response. What a joke, eh?

Oh well. No matter how many addictions you get, getting another one doesn't make you lose an old one; they just seem to pile up unless you intentionally rid yourself of them. For me, it all started with oxygen, once I took that first breath I couldn't stop, and now days I just breathe and breathe all day long... Honestly though, I don't have an "addictive personality" in that I'm prone to pick up addictions all the time, but that doesn't mean I'm ammune. I've had addictions. some I've been able to drop and some still cling to me. Bear in mind it all depends on your definition of addiction, and I suppose mine is rather loose. I consider my former habit of chronic nose picking an addiction. I'm currently addicted to blogging. In the future I will be addicted to being awesome. (If I ever become awesome)

Till then,

I am by no means who you think I am.

Ahhhh... the answer is IF

I found out one of the reasons I keep getting so... ugh, I dunno, whatever it is that makes me write these pathetic rants/drivel sessions. (emobratesque)

I only noticed it today when I went walking in the park with my headphones on and found that I had no In Flames on my mp3 player! Over the past few months I've phased their music out of my daily life. But today arose the distinct need to listen to their beautiful, soul-reaching metal.

And it might sound backwards but a nice Jester's Dance or Dawn of a New Day not to mention the occasional Abnegation, Jotun, Take this Life, and Delight and Angers can really do a lot to sooth my mind. (yeah yeah, sorry for being a little fangirl, I'm done.)


All music has its own time and place.

No one for me

Today I had the repetitious and unmistakable feeling that there is simply no one for me. I feel very strongly that I won't be able to trick my heart into opening up to anyone ever again. It is rather dismal and leads to sudden pangs of angst, but simultaneously I'm relieved of worrying about trying to "get a girl".

I zone out more, and leave this reality in search of one where the above is no longer true, because something deep inside me still -still feels the need to persue the destruction that inevitably comes of all notions of love in this age of distortion, distance and dissonance...

I'm not usually this bipolar. I thought I was better... but I guess not.

I contemplate why, but it's always different versions of the same answer... I'll attempt to put it into words at a later date.

Hello!

Everything is... better.

It was a totally rainy, crappy day, weather wise... but I had things to get done, and I was forced outside my hole; a.k.a. my room. Despite how not everything went perfect during my errand running, I return home a better man.

That's the word of today: "better"

I love wasting time

I see it all so clearly now. Everyone else has got their ever-so-precious life and I... what do I have... I have my dumb computer, dumb yoyos, dumb self, dumb games, dumb escapism, DUMB blog, a lot of dumb useless crap. I pour copious amounts of time into all that. It's sickening. REALLY SICKENING. And it isn't helping anything or anyone.

I long for someone to come along and save me. (preferably a girl)

But nobody has found it sensible to give me their care... because I'm not an investment worth investing in.

It's like
Knock, knock.

who's there?

Not a sense of purpose.

Not a sense of purpose who?

...

My life is a joke and I wish I knew the punchline.


.....


I should end this by saying that I think I saw a small semblance of hope a few days ago. I don't know. But that's what's keeping me alive for now. Emover and out.

Not a care in the world

...but a few cares in hell.
oooh, what does that even mean!?




Anyway, I guess I get as many cares as I give.
Yeah. that one made no sense either. Keep trying.




I suppose what I'm trying to say is: I can only get as much out of someone as I put in, and one way to measure it is in units of care. hm, I wonder what unit that would be... possibly "craps" as in "I don't give a crap about you" or "she cares a crapload about her bf." yeah, maybe not a good unit to express care in. how about "Fenburs" named after Dodeleo Fenburs of the Netherlands. (He's famous for being the most caring person ever. I just made that whole thing up) In units of Fenburs, the amount of care given to another person is equivalent to the amount returned, except in special cases such as parenthood or obsession.

Interesting isn't it? it's not!? Oh, well then you don't have to read it! x_x

Sometimes I just feel execrable...

I'm just like the people I pity. My mind is just as torn...

(Every sentence contained the word "just"... I wonder why I need so many justs when I'm driveling?)

The jibblies

For a second I thought to myself, "I think my dad reads my blog"

It gave me the jibblies. The jibbly jibblies.

I hope my assumption that he, unlike me, actually has a life, is true. (nice sentence structure, there) I'll admit, it is weird that I'll write things the whole world has access to, but don't want my dad to know. In my life everything is weird....

A guide to dying

I listened to a Radiolab podcast in which they talked about death. Particularly a guy who died and had sent himself a time-delayed message. His family got it. They took interest in the writings he made during his life. His mom found his blog... and left comments on it... long after he was dead and gone. (Which I found weird and creepy, but ok.) I hope this blog isn't found, because it's totally lame. but if it is, after I'm dead, this is what I would like to say:

Sorry for this crappy blog. Don't read it or any others and don't watch my DUMB youtube videos. I hope that by the time I reached my death I had left some sort of legacy. uh... I don't have any money hidden in books or anything. Try not to be too sad about my being gone. There's still plenty of life to live here before you die, so live it! And when you die, we'll be in Heaven together. I wish I could say I have no regrets. The thing I regret is giving in to my inhibitions too easily. I was too shy and weak. I wish I would have DONE more y'know? Like risk my life(or my heart) more often or buy a sports car or gone to New York or something... I dunno, this has been a weird blog entry.

Peace out.

As usual, be careful for what you wish

I've worn the same black jeans for four days in a row now.

:]

yeessssss. I love my liiiiiife.


"Enjoy today." The most encouraging thing I've ever heard. And it was printed on a small box of raisins. ...Minus the "cou".

I'm thinking about going emo

I combed my hair forward, over my ears... it's not such a bad look for me. Says me. I'll need to shave my beard but I was gonna do so anyway s'okay. I have no peircings, guess this means I better get some. Preferably all over my face. I'm not gonna get converses, my clunky Vans will have to do. I've only got one pair of black jeans, but they're nice and tight. Emos wear the same thing days in a row don't they? I'm already very bad at poetry and like 'dark' things so I've got that covered. I don't have a myspace, and that may be a hindrance, but my facebook account will have to do.


I think I can really make emo work for me. ...As I drift through the stormy night in a sea of misery and angst.

Dumb Question

Do you think you'll ever be justified in calling someone a bitch or a bastard?

If you do, you probably will.

Don't do it.

Unreasonable

I love the word 'unreasonable'

I mean, doesn't it sound so rad?!

How BA a nicname would it be. I mean Davy Crockett was a killer dude, but what if he was Davy 'Unreasonable' Crockett? Someone with that cool a name would definitely have teamed up with Jim 'guy with large knife' Bowie and whooped butt at the Alamo. Like a team of superheroes.

Anyway, it just goes so well in any situation! I mean, Barack 'Unreasonable' Obama? Bam! Or how about Paris 'Unreasonable' Hilton. Too good. Frederick the Great of Prussia? nice try. Frederick the Unreasonable of Prussia. Win. But seriously, I might name my kid Saldras Unreasonable Raley.

Mode: Unreasonable

The breakfast club

I just now watched the breakfast club for the first time.

It is intense.

I really like it. I give mad credit to the director and the actors. The whole thing takes place in a highschool but stays interesting and rather unique. Not many movies get as deep as this one...

This isn't a movie review, go watch it for yourself if you haven't already.

44 means yoyo in Japanese

This would happen to be my 44th post on Fractal Filled Nirvanha. So today I'ma talk about the yoyo.

Dumb yoyo.

Tunnel... Tunnel... Tunnel....

Still no light.

Lulku

I asked out the girl.
She said she has a boyfriend.
Whoopsie kadabra!

Lyric of Preposterity

This song is called “How Hot Megan* Is.”

She's so hot I can smell her blood
A taste like iron on my tongue
within her body, fires rage
lava surges through her veins
The sun itself admits defeat
Even Arcturus feels her heat
If the all world could see her shine
Never more could there be night
With pure energy and power
Ever burning, ready to devour

*name changed in case someone actually reads this. Nah, Just kidding, but who cares?

When it starts getting late, I start thinking strange things and strange ways to describe my thoughts. Sorry this blog sucked so much... grlaelegblfgbalge-fhqwhgads

Blatant Love

I was listening to this song and heard something that sounded like, but wasn't necessarily the phrase “blatant love.” I like the way that sounds. I want to find out what it means. It's mysterious.

I hope I'm not disappointed. It has taken me a long to to get my head above the water... that is, my total cynicism of love's existence as I... 'understand' or 'expect' aren't the right words... more like, 'want' it to be. It's like wanting to believe in magic. There's a trap door or false wall somewhere... I just never want to learn the 'trick' to it. Once you figure it out, it just looks stupid. ...but i'm not worried about that ever happening. No matter how much or how hard I try. ...Ignorance is bliss is love.

Hhmm... Oh well. Such is life. It's quite weird. (except probably not. It's more likely that all of the above is dead wrong)

Luck

It would appear that I've lucked out. I met a nice girl. What are the odds, right!? Lulz!

That will be all for now.

Carry on!

Love is in the subtle details

Difficulty +1 if you know what I mean.

I know I haven't

Have you ever NOT had something better to do?


...


Seriously? I wonder how often I EVER do the absolute most valuable use of my time...


The thing is, it's all subjective because it depends on how you define "something better" or "use of time"... and who better to decide that than you yourself?

If I was allowed to choose what I considered the absolute most valuable use of my time it would be the moments when you're closest to other humans. I don't really mean physical, just like when you're bonding or simply enjoying one another's company; laughing, talking, starting a bunch of silly inside jokes... all that.

I know I haven't.

Not in a long time.

I think in Heaven, these are the things that will matter.

Tricycles... lots of them.

I was just thinking about all the times I'm the third wheel and how I always think to myself something like this:

If only I had a girlfriend, this would be a double date. Double dates sound like fun.... too bad...

If and when I ever meet a girl worthy of me (and by that I mean one who can somehow tolerate all my bullshit) then these are the couples I hope to go on double dates with or just hang around with:

Wesley and Amanda
Daniel and Heather
Daniel and Malia
Landon and Sarah
etc....

next entry I'll talk about the phrase "I've got better things to do" hahah, what a joke...

Robots, Sots and Cosmonauts

Designer dreams
Tailormade by moonbeams
Just for you
And your mindcontrol moodrings

Crisscrossed skyways
Fading to white haze
try to feel
and reach past cognitive sine-waves

humans stop dreaming
lights and eyes still blinking
the line blurs
as machines do the thinking

binary streams
that were made by the beings
just for once
robots pursue their dreams

Rethinking the L word

After thinking about my lousy attitude of "no such thing as love" I've realized that I'm the one who's full of crap. Love is not the one that's bogus, I am.

Think about it this way. It's not that love doesn't exist, it's just that it's a stranger to me. What I had met before was something that claimed to be love, but was really just a poseur.

I have learned a lot, but still don't claim to know it all, not even a small fraction.

But from what I've experienced I've come up with a few pointers to myself.

-Be cynical. There's nothing wrong with questioning something you're unsure of, especially when it's so important.

-It takes time -lot's of it- for love to form. It grows slowly.

-It's not all about happiness... it's more about something artistic and beautiful.

-It can change, it can't lie, but it isn't rigid.

-It's not an emotion. I have no idea what it is, if anything.

-Love is difficult; difficult to find, difficult to keep, difficult to interact with. That's why it is work and why it hurts.

-Love makes no sense. It doesn't. None of the above is correct probably.